“A 14-year-old spotted something strange in the waste tank of a New Hampshire outhouse — a man’s face staring back up at her. Police said Gary Moody, 45, of Gardiner, Maine, was standing in the ladies’ room collection tank wearing hip waders, according to the Kennebec Journal of Augusta, Maine. ‘You can draw your own conclusions as to the conditions we encountered,’ Capt. John Hebert of the Carroll County Sheriff’s Department told WMUR-TV of Manchester, N.H. The girl was about to use the facilities around noon on Sunday at a log-cabin rest stop near Albany on the Kancamagus Scenic Byway, which runs through the White Mountain National Forest. ‘It’s a very filthy environment, and before we put anybody in contact with him, we had to decontaminate him,’ said Hebert, explaining why Moody was hosed off before being handcuffed. ‘We treated him as if he were hazardous material.’” —Fox News (US)

Many news outlets picked up on this “filthy story,” as they tended to call it. But if you want the most entertaining version, head over to the Boston Channel and watch the video. It shows you the scene of the crime — an outhouse toilet at a popular swimming hole — in lurid detail. You can’t help but laugh as the female reporter in the video reenacts the young girl’s discovery of a face in the john. Unfortunately, though, there’s no video of the perp. It would have been fun to watch the fire department hose him down. Surely there must have been somebody with a camcorder around?

Anyway, stories like this make you realize that, however jaded a perv you are, you haven’t seen it all. What was this guy thinking? Was he a simple voyeur? Or was the situation — the muck, the filth, the shit — an integral part of his perversion? After all, he was hiding in a public toilet. Nobody knows how long he was in there. The video clearly implies that other women must have defecated on him. And certainly if you’re concealing yourself in a public toilet, you must expect to get pissed on. This would imply that the man was not just a voyeur but some sort of coprophile as well. Think about it. When somebody bores a peephole into a Victoria’s Secret changing room, that’s pretty understandable. That’s voyeurism. But to put on waders and crawl into a septic tank? That’s hardcore. Most people can barely stand to go to the bathroom in an outhouse, let alone hang out in one.

Furthermore, every time somebody actually sat down on the toilet, wouldn’t it have blocked off most of the available light? Would the guy really have been able to see anything? He couldn’t possibly have pointed a flashlight up at his victims’ arses, or he would have been caught sooner. You can only conclude that he was less interested in peeping than he was in peeing. That had to be the case — otherwise he would have thought to wear not just boots but a raincoat too.

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